I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
