The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
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Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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