If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
