Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
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Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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