I just gift wrapped bread.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You ate ashes out of my bong
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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