dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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