I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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