So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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