I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
