We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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