He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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