phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
