Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize