my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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