I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
