Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
