so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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