Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize