I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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