What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
