Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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