im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
