JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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