I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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