fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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