so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
