if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
