i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He passed out mid-signature
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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