Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
