Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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