So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
