while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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