I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
