You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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