his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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