I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
