If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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