Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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