I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
