she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wish there were birth control emojis
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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