i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
