I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
