Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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