forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
