Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
