She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
