Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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