I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
