I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
