Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
