there's paper in my vomit.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
