the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
