At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
