This is not my ceiling
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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