She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
