it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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