How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
