accomplished twins. life is a go
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
