so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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